The Mentality of Son Gohan
by BossbratKurama
Summary: Hey...Gohan here...I don't really know why i'm doing this but...I need an outlet...please bare with me and understand where i'm coming from... and why I am the way I am today...Thank you.
1. Recollection

**Disclaimer I don't own Dragonball Dragonball Z or Dragonball Super each are respectfully owned by Toriyama**

 _The power to cause pain is the only power that matters, the power to kill and destroy, because if you can't kill then you are always subject to those who can, and nothing and no one will ever save you._

 _ORSON SCOTT CARD,Ender's Game_

Gohan has been through alot of shit in his life and to tell you the truth he was finally reaching his breaking point. From being kidnapped by a monsterous star obsessed psychopath abducted by his alien uncle and having an overwhelming mother who pushed her dreams onto him and a foolish father who sought nothing more then a good fight.

Gohan could honestly say he was fucked up...why you don't believe him? let's look deeper into this then shall we.

His wife was almost a carbon copy of his mother and day by day he looked in the mirror and wondered why he could never escape either women's clutches the only reason she became his love interest was through blackmail slander and the very fact that Son Chichi liked her...oh you wanna look deeper into it?

Videl's own father Hercule Satan (fitting name if you ask me) wasn't much better in comparison he lied to the world about who truly defeated Cell spitting on the sacrifice of not only the android 16 but his father and Trunks too.

Gohan looked outside as he watched his wife play with his child happily,oh so happily. But underneath he knew the truth he was Son Gohan the fucked up son of Goku and Chichi an aspect pounded into his head for years on end.

It had always lingered in the back of his mind how differently his mother treated him in comparison to Goten.

 _"Hey Mom can I go outside and play with Icarus?"Pleaded a younger Gohan as his mother gave him a stern look "No Gohan you aren't gonna become a slacker like your bum of a father now get back to your studies"dejected and sad the demi-saiyan did just that._

 _"Hey Mom! i'm gonna go play with Trunks ok!"Gohan observed his hyper little brother as Chichi giggled and ruffled his hair "Sure Goten just be back in time for dinner"Grinning the youngest son of Goku saluted his mother before running off._

Shaking slightly and resting his hand on the arm of his chair he pondered the many deaths he witnessed before he even went through puberty.

 _"Goodbye Tien"_ _Was the last thing heard as an explosion rocked the battlefield "NO CHIAOTZUUUUU!" Gohan flinched as he watched the events transpire_

 _A young Gohan starred in horror tears in his eyes threatening to fall at any moment as he kneeled at the smoking body of Piccolo "Gohan...your the only real friend i've ever had...Thank you...I'm proud of you...Wish me back ok?...get em..Gohan..._

 _"KRILLIN!" Screamed Gohan in terror as he watched the monk get his chest impaled by Frieza who looked amused as he licked the blood from his lips_

 _"FRIEZA STOP THIS!" His father screamed as they watched terrified as Krillin was lifted into the air "AHHH GOKUUUU!" the following explosion would haunt him always._

 _"Gohan, let it go. It is not a sin to fight for the right cause. There are ones who words alone will not reach. Cell is such a being. I know how you are Gohan. You are gentle, you do not like to hurt. I know because I too have learned these feelings, but it is because you cherish life, that you must protect it." 11 year old Son Gohan watched in horror as Cell squashed the head of android 16 "Hmph I was wondering when that talking piece of trash would shut up." Something in the boy had snapped_.

He remebered feeling the pain and the hopelessness such hurt that doesn't go away the rage that constantly drove him to madness throughout his life was but a stepping stone to enduring all of it.

Piccolo knew how he felt he was the only one he could confide to when it all just became to much.

 _"Gohan...Your wife is worried about you"Said the Namekien as he floated over the mountain where his student sat. Gohan had his eyes closed as a frown marred his face "Piccolo...I need a break...all she ever wants is for me to follow her every command and i'm tired...tired of all the drama...tired of all the expectations...i'm just one person" Piccolo sighed and softly rested his hand on Gohan's shoulder_

 _"I know kid, But your daughter needs you"He calmly said as Gohan clenched his fist "Piccolo what have I ever done in life to get to this point?...am I just not good enough?...is it because i'm weak...or am I just the joke of the God's" glared the demi-saiyan as the earth born Namekien shook his head "Your one of the strongest people I know kid" staring at him in confusion" H-huh? what do you mean Piccolo?"_

 _"Because anyone who could go through even half the things you did is either a strong person or a fool." Staring at him angrily Gohan replied "But you went through the same thing!" Glaring at him the Namek swiftly answered "Wrong! me and the others are adults you on the other hand was nothing but a child at the time! everything you went through would break a normal man and drive him to insanity yet here you are strong as ever and ready to continue!" Gohan sadly looked down tear falling from his eye"Piccolo...i'm not strong"_

 _"That's a lie." The green man replied bluntly as Gohan glared"No it's not! a day doesn't go by where I don't think about giving up!" He crossed his arms and folded his arms calmly "But do you?" Gohan was quiet unable to answer that "You are strong Gohan and it's because of who you are that you just can't bare to give up on seeing the good in people...a trait you get from your idiotic father no doubt."Smirked the Namek as Gohan softly chuckled before turning into full blown laughter_

 _Mr Piccolo...your right...even now you understand...thank you for being my first friend too..._

Gohan sighed burying the memory as he stood up and slowly walked outside towards the women he called a wife and the child he fathered with her throwing on a slightly less fake smile.

 _This was his life and he would have to live with it._

 **A/N Done slightly because I was bored and in a bad mood might continue but don't get your hopes up**


	2. Reflecting

**Disclaimer I don't own Dragonball Dragonball Z or Dragonball Super each are respectfully owned by Toriyama**

 _The worst pain ... isn't the pain you feel at the time, it's the pain you feel later on when there's nothing you can do about it. They say that time heals all wounds, but we never live long enough to test that theory._

 _JOSÉ SARAMAGO,The Cave_

From the day he was born Gohan knew expectations was set upon him. The very moment he blew a hole through that damn tree he knew. Sometimes as a child he would go to that very tree just to take out his frustrations.

 _6 year old Gohan teared up as he glared at the tree "Your just as much to blame for this life as me you...you stupid tree! why couldn't you have just ended me then and there!? why am I so special!" falling to his knees he cradled himself distraught rocking back in forth sobbing "Why...is it always..me"_

 _Crying the first son of Goku beat his fist into the dirt "AM I JUST NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY" shaking softly he turned to glare furiously at the tree for what seemed like hours...days...years. 18 year old Gohan walked up to the tree and softly placed his palm on it gaze hazy from tears "It's not your fault...it never was..."_

Gohan clenched his fist unknowingly drawing on his Ki his life force what kept him tied to this world. What HE was expected to uphold and keep in league with the others or be shamed and left to fend for himself in this unforgiving world.

 _Gohan screamed in agony as his power was sucked from him in the most unforgiving way ever. 'Why aren't they helping...I can sense Piccolo's Ki going off the charts but the other's are...so calm...do they enjoy seeing me in pain"Vegeta observed the scene and scoffed "His power level was much higher as a child" his father had a nonchalant smile on his face "Awww come on Vegeta Gohan has to study it's not bad to enjoy peace" looking at his foolish rival "Example 1 right there now say that dumb shit again Kakarot I dare you"_

He growled remembering the event all to clearly. Thanks to his Saiyan blood he caught most of their conversation and it sickened him that he stood by people who would abandon there own on a whim of a stranger.

He tried...and tried...and tried to be the bigger person someone better then those around him. To offer help when it was needed. train...train...train...WHY SHOULD HE!? WHAT GOOD HAS IT EVER DONE WHEN EVERY VILLIAN THEY FIGHT IS A MILLION TIMES STONGER!

...He remembered that day on the battlefield all to well...it was the second time he cracked. Truly lost almost all sense of self.

 _(While holding Gohan in a bear hug and crushing him)"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! How ironic that your father's death was the key to our escape. I so wanted to thank him personally, but now, you will have to do it for me" Gohan was tired he and in great pain he could barely register what was going on any more much less comprehend it._

 _Something...had knocked the giant beast of a man away from him...wait what was holding him?...Slowly opening his eyes more he almost gasped as he saw his father in all his glory cradling him safely in his arms "Gohan...I don't know why you keep beleiving your not strong enough but that just isn't true!...everyone on this planet is counting on you me your mother our friends. So don't let us down" he vaguely remembered the speech but the madness...he remembered the blinding insanity that found him in that battle._

 _"I know your kind, you think you can just walk in and take our planet" Gohan spat as he stared coldly at the space Pirate and his minions "But there's one thing you forgot..." chuckling the demi Saiyan finally allowed the dam to break as his eyes snapped open and that **power** flodded him "I'M MY FATHER'S SOOOOON!" And soon he put an end to them all...violently._

Gohan shook his head rubbing his forehead in pain. Just remembering the damn thing brought that feeling...that terrible sense of not being you anymore...the threshhold of pure insanity that sat in his soul ready to be unleashed in a moments notice...Training...TRAINING ONLY SEEMED TO MAKE IT STRONGER...that's why he couldn't...

He gently rocked in his chair glancing over at the peaceful face of his sleeping child...that's why he hated training...because one day he knew...he'd never stop.

THE POWER...It's so addicting the feeling is like nothing else. Everytime he used it he wondered. _Is this what it's like to be free?_ people always chalked it up as his Saiyan side...WRONG! it was him! and always would be!

His inhibitions thrown to the wind nothing more but a forgotten ideal he stomped on and put to rest!...because at the end of the day he was always more human then Saiyan...and like any human we all have our breaking points.

Not a day goes by where he doesn't want to walk out that door and just walk...and keep walking. Until he was tired and then walk some more. HE WANTED FREEDOM...to have some grain of self respect and make his needs known. The need to be who HE wanted to be not his mother not his father and certainly not his wife.

A Piercing cry rang through the air as he gently picked up his daughter "Shhh Pan daddy's here and he won't let anything hurt you"

 _Not like me..._

 _Not like me..._

 _Not like me..._

 _Never like me._

"Gohan i'm back" Called the familiar voice of Videl as he sighed resigned and stood up looking at her ignoring her concerned look "What's wrong Gohan were you studying to hard again" she chided as he gave her a tired smile "Yeah plus little panny kept her daddy busy today before her nap" The infant giggled as Videl smiled and planted a kiss on his lips "Well then rest,and that's an order mister"

Gohan watched blankly as she sauntered out of the room. Innocent to his silent plight.

 _I sometimes wonder if I truly can..._

 **A/N Hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Sometimes I forget how complex Gohan's character is. I mean this dude is like 2 seconds away from losing his mind when you really think about it Gohan is fucked up. With all the influences in his life it's a wonder why the guy hasn't snapped and killed them all.**

 **Until Next Time Bossbrat out.**


	3. Remembering

**Disclaimer I don't own Dragonball Dragonball Z or Dragonball Super each are respectfully owned by Toriyama**

 _He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God_

 _Aeschylus_

Videl hummed a pleasant tune as she carried her babbling daughter to the family car. "Gohan, we'll be back soon ok, I have to take Pan to her appointment" Gohan nodded and approched her kissing his wife softly.

"Alright honey, you both stay safe alright" Videl giggled and nodded "Don't worry we will" and with that she was gone.

The smile slowly dropped from his face as he watched the vehicle get farther and farther away.

Gohan stared blankly at the door an almost numb feeling setting into his bones as he fell back against the wall his head in his hands. Gohan had realized a long time ago burying his emotions caused nothing but grief and just recently it came to rear it's ugly head once more.

 _"AHAHAHAHAHA! So the son of Goku is all grown up," Gohan grunted feeling his legs chest and arms pierced by Frieza's death beams "Oh how poetic, this will be so very fun imagine Goku's face when he shows up to the dead carcass of his son" Gohan groaned holding in the scream of anguish as he felt more beams shoot through his body. Chuckling Frieza stared at him amused "Now then let's be done with this shall we" a devastating blast shot towords him as he closed his eyes excepting his fate_.

 _A loud sizzling sound was heard as the smell of burt flesh wafted throughout the air and that's when he opened his eyes to see Piccolo taking the blow for him_ _much like he did long ago, as his voice echoed through his head like a distant memory of the past itself. 'Something's changed...No matter what happens to you Gohan. I will always be there to protect you'_

 _No...not again..not again! "NOOO! PICCOLOOOO!_ " _The explosion of power shocked everyone as he pulled on everything he had. "Gohan stop!" but he ignored the monk as he focused on pulling every last bit of his energy out so his father could lock on. "Oh, how amusing, at this rate he might actually blow himself up" Frieza jeered as he screamed louder the pounding in his head getting worst before it just stopped...before he just stopped._

Gohan felt hot tears roll down his cheeks as he thought about his best friend and mentor, It was all his fault that he died that day to protect him that...he didn't deserve to be protected after all this time he'd failed not only at life but as a student aswell.

THE PAIN...it hurt so bad to see him lying there defiled, but what was worst is that because of there close bond...he could feel it all until...nothing. _You'll laugh at your fears once you realize who you are._ Gohan stared lifelessly across the room, what exactly was he? A failure or maybe a killer, now he acknowledged the feeling of shame and no matter how much his life changed it always held the same truth.

He was a failure...someone you couldn't rely on! a goddamn joke, a washed up FAKE! all his life he fought because he had to...not because he wanted to. No...wait that wasn't true either, he liked to fight but not to throw his life away for the sake of a world who can't even see through the lies of a loudmouth coward.

Gohan growled lightly as he made his way outside finding a spot near the tree where Piccolo used to meditate in peace. He sat there and breathed _in_ and _out_. his temper would never improve that was for sure.

 _"Look. I'm giving you a chance to end this without violence. I really don't want to kill you. Even if your evil, you can still walk away. I'm not interested in fighting you just for the challenge, my Dad's the one who cares about that stuff..."_

 _"I've gotta be strong! Everyone's counting on me, I can't let them down! like against the Saiyans... or the Ginyu force, or Frieza. Whenever my friends needed me most I was always too weak or too scared to help them. I've been letting them down my whole life!_

The tree behind him split from the force of his erratic Ki as memories assulted him like Frieza's minions, the self resentment and lack of confidence never truly went away from all those years ago, it only sat in the corner of his mind and taunted him adding fuel to his already dangerously uncontrolled flame.

A dry almost hollow laugh filled the air. Who was he kidding, he'd never change and like many times before the only thing that would be different about him would be how he put himself back together afterwards.

What? you never wondered why his personality and ideals seemed to shift multiple times over the years, Gohan chuckled but there was no humor in his voice, you could compare him to shattered glass if you'd like, Because no matter how many times it broke it would always be put back together a little different then before.

He was the literal definition of a _Broken_ man he'd fallen so many times and he'd been used and abused by the people he cared for till he didn't even recognise himself anymore.

 _It...hurt._ To always be subject to such an odd form of peer pressure.

 _Gohan grunted as he fought with his father during the hyperbolic time chamber "Come on Gohan! I know your stronger then this! stop holding back, think about all the Villans we faced how cruel they are and show me!" Gohan almost passed out from the roundhouse kick he got from him, "The power responds to a need, not a desire" those words echoed through his mind as power rippled around the area. he didn't...he couldn't..._

 _Dissapoint his father_...Gohan gazed at the trees as a bird flew by and perched itself on a branch...in reality he truly did hate not being what his father wanted him to be, In his youth he would wonder if that was why he would spend more time with Goten instead of him. was he not good enough did he do something wrong?

 _Why...do you care for me?_

 _Am I not good enough..._

 _The pain in my chest..._

 _It hurts...like a fire in my soul..._

 **A/N Hope you all enjoyed this chapter, it features alot of different emotions and conflict of Gohan's character ideals and beliefs. and like I said last chapter this dude is pretty messed up when you think about it.**

 **Until Next Time Bossbrat Out!**


	4. Realizing

**Disclaimer I don't own Dragonball Dragonball Z or Dragonball Super each are respectfully owned by Toriyama**

 _A person is born with feelings of envy and hate. If he gives way to them, they will lead him to violence and crime, and any sense of loyalty and good faith will be abandoned._

 _Xun Kuang_

Gohan always wondered why everything seemed to fall apart around him, there were times where the option to hang his gi up for good seemed like the best option...until they called for him again. He was the only one, he was the eldest one, _He_ was tired.

Everytime he seemed to catch a break someone grabbed him by the puppet strings and made him move, _stopping_ didn't help, getting _injured_ was only a set back. Hey throw him a senzu bean he'll be good as new! Well screw that, he was tired of playing the hero, he wasn't his Dad nor was he Vegeta, he was Son Gohan.

A person...

He'd always be a saiyan. That was never up for debate, but he was also human he sought different things, he wished for something more beyond the thrill of battle...but that was the only time he truly felt alive! Fighting foes gave him a chance at doing something, being able to change the tides to his own, being able to be _free..._

He vaguely remembered the time he finally found out what a monster he could be, it was impowering such a feeling could never be replaced or replicated for it would pale in comparison.

 _Buu gave him a wide grin and tilted his head amused, "So you wanna fight Buu?"_ _Gohan chuckled, the wind doing wonders for dramatic effect. He felt his saiyan side howl for vengance at what this over grown piece of bubble gum did to his family. "Fight you? no, I wanna kill you." The smug smile that graced his face similar to when he managed to make cell suffer for his transgressions._

It remained, however dormant it may be it always remained. His potential was limitless, him being part saiyan proved that so by releasing the beast from it's cage, _they_ only made things worst. He spent years in domestic life trying to calm his hidden nature and not a day went by where he didn't want to rip that antennne off that pink blobs head.

Yes, that's right he doesn't stop trainning because he _wants_ to, it's because if he doesn't he'll never stop and that monster he becomes won't ever stop. _Hate_ is such a strong word, if said you have to feel very strongly about the subject or else nobody will beleive you. Gohan _hated_ himself, there wasn't a day that went by where he didn't want to just isolate himself and be done with the world.

Gibberish and the soft cries of an infant pierced the air as he stood to his feet intent of finding the source of the noise, finally finding it he stared down solemly into the coal black eyes of his daughter...Pan.

This was the reason Gohan still tried, he picked her up as she snuggled into his chest happily acnkowleging her papa's presence, it was because of _hope_ , the prospect of something better waiting out there just out of reach shrouded by the blood, and the violence that keeps appearing.

Pan squealed in happiness as her dad tickled her belly causing him to crack a smile that slowly turned into the familiar Son grin, to be Gohan you need only one thing to always beleive in no matter what and you'll never go wrong.

 _This time 11 year old_ _Gohan turned on his friends at the Cell games before grinning evily as they could only look on in shock unable to fathom there friend would do something like this, as Goku looked on in confusion before looking at the gaping hole in his chest in horror, Cells imminent detonation forgotten in the wake of this unexpected betrayal..._

To not be lost...

 _Future Gohan gave a hollow smile as he ignored the rain beating down upon his bruised scarred body flattening his unruly mane of hair, he looked at the unconsious form of Trunks with sorrow before turning away and flying off to face the androids. "Mom...Dad, Mr Piccolo...we'll be together soon, wait for me I promise it won't be long." He grinned a familiar grin and took off, no one seeing how broken his grin truly was._

To not give up...

 _6 year old Gohan cried in his room, books scattered around the room as he held his head maddness dancing in his eyes before he took one last look at his abusive math tutor happily conversing with his mother and leaping out the window. His family photo falling to the floor shattering the noise startling those still there._

There were so many different outcomes to his life that just ate at his soul, what if's weren't just thoughts they were also truths. Parrallel to what the world is now, it's what could have been but he wasn't them, he was just...Gohan

To be Son Gohan you needed to have faith in yourself, in your situation, in those around you. It may not be perfect, hell it may not even be worth it, but he was gonna be himself throughout it all, not what this world wanted him to be.

Hope is what made Son Gohan the person he is and always would be.

 **A/N Alot more depth into the mentality of Gohan here, as you can see Gohan knows he could do more bad then good if he just...let's go. Much like Goku back on Namek, he has little restraint when it comes to his agression, which is why he tries to Peter Parker or Clark Kent himself and be as mild mannered as possible. As i've said before Gohan is messed up, but honestly be truthful in his situation who wouldn't be?**

 **Until Next Time Bossbrat Out**


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